Home Sweet Home
by Ybanabi
Summary: Five years. Six cities. Suze is so sick of moving, but she has to, to get as far away from Jesse and Paul as possible. Something comes up and gives her a chance to go back home to Carmel. Will she go back to old memories she's tried to escape?
1. chapter 1

**Ok so this is my first mediator fanfic… hope u guys like it… I'm**

**not saying if its P/S or J/S. Well ok read it, if u like it, review…if you don't then still review n tell me what I did wrong! K on with the story…**

**Oh yeah...hehe  
Disclaimer: nothing owned by moi…blah blah… all Meg**

**Cabot's fine creation… except of course my plot! And all unknown characters**

**And to put the icing on the cake, I dedicate this story to**

**JYOCKA and CHABANABAM**

I just sat there, too overcome with emotion. The numbness in my heart was replaced by a sudden burst of pain, which seared and made my heart ache.

The feeling rushed up to meet my emerald greens, which started to shimmer and sparkle, somewhat like a real jewel.

That's when the tears began to flow. My mascara began to flow down my pale cheeks passed my broken smile. Oh my god. Doesn't Little Miss Susannah Simon just suck?

Well I don't know how long I sat there, just crying. Because I am sure you know that I don't do the whole crying thing. Well at least not before, not when I was sixteen and oh so kick ass. God, crying irritated me, especially if I was the one doing the crying.

Crap. Why do I always mess things up when they are going so well?

I always meet this perfectly nice guy who I'm attracted to and he likes me too, but then I just seem to screw it all up. And it all turns out like crap.

Crap. Poo. Shit. Faeces. Whatever you want to call it. It's all the same. Just completely useless.

I met this awesome guy, about a month ago. He was the definition of awesome. Hot body, cute, sweet personality, he knew exactly what I wanted and exactly how to give it to me. His name, well I didn't know it.

Haha! Just kidding, I'm not that stupid. His name was Alex.

He had cute ringlets of soft, brown curls. Which immediately reminded me of our dearest Paul. Do you see my mistake? No?

Ok well he also had sharp, intense, blue eyes that always knew the right time to become warm, loving and sympathetic. He had such a caring personality, he always made sure that I was alright and that I was happy.

Do you see my big mistake yet?

Alex was a cross of Paul and Jesse. The two people I have tried to keep as far behind me as possible. So you see why I really should not have fallen for Alex.

That evening was so perfect. Until I ruined it of course. After a night at the movies and dinner at my apartment, Alex and I were to be found gracefully sprawled across my chic leather couch, with the scent of burning candles and soft romantic music playing gently in the background.

We were kissing, ok maybe more than kissing, but with each kiss, there laid a message of passion and hunger. We were hungry for each other.

Alex moved his lips away from mine as he made his journey down my neck. He teased me by tickling me there, with his tongue. My nails squeezed the muscles in his back in pleasure.

'Oh Paul,'

Yeah, that's the moment I turned things into crap. Those words I just said made his lips stop and his body went rigid. He moved up so that he saw my face from about thirty centimeters away.

'What?' His eyes looked confused, hurt and well, jealous. Oh shit. Ain't I just THE perfect girlfriend?

I stared at him with profound horror. I really can't believe I just did that.

'Oh fuck – uh – I didn't – I swear – shit!' I stumbled on my words. Badly.

'Who is _Paul?_' He said Paul's name like it was vermin - utterly disgusting, unworthy and useless. Well I can't say I don't agree.

'He's nobody. Just absolutely nobody. I'm so sorry babe – I didn't mean –'

'Oh so this _Paul nobody _is on the top of your mind when you are with me? What the hell?'

'No! Oh My God Alex! I'm sorry! I haven't seen Paul in ages. I don't even know why I even said his name. Shit – '

'Okay. Whatever Suze,' His voice sounded so final. God I'm such an idiot.

We both got up and managed to get our crumpled shirts back on. Yeah I ruined it when we were that far. He buckled his belt and turned to look at me. Those blue eyes said it all. He was hurt, angry and irritated. I felt so horrible.

'Shit Suze. I really did like you, a lot, maybe too much. Sorry it ended up this way. See you around,'

I guess that was when my tears began to fall. I never learn. This happened so many times, and I still never learn to forget about Paul or Jesse. I always made the same mistake with any guy I was ever with after Jesse and Paul. I never learn.

Whenever I'm with a guy that I like, it's like my sub-conscious mind tells me to say Paul's or Jesse's name. And I always end up like this, in tears. Why did I not learn to get over them?

I have seen my fair share of guys. They were all so wonderful, but somehow, they could not meet my standard of Jesse or Paul. And even if I don't ruin the relationship by silly words, I always move. I always move away. I'm always convincing myself I'm moving farther away from Paul and Jesse.

At first, I didn't move too far away from Carmel, I just moved up to Montreal for Fashion College. After a year and a half, I was transferred to London. It made me a bit nervous to be that far away from Mom and Andy, but what kept me far away was the thought of Jesse and Paul.

About a year and a half later I got my degree and got myself a small job in Glasgow. Ok, so it was a crap job in Marks and Spencer's sorting out clothes. That job didn't last long. I moved to Rome after a while and helped out with some clothes designing. Some of my ideas got out there, though I didn't get much credit for them. Once I had enough money I moved to Bangkok and got a small time job. I started to save most my money and began to make a lot of my designs.

My next move was to Japan. There I just started to see a lot of fashion shows and checking in on the latest designs. I got out of there quickly because it was a bit pricy. Well now here I am in Sydney, fashion designer – Suze Simon. That's pretty good for me huh? Any kind of clothing you like, well I got it, all completely made in Sydney. Yeah, so if I'm so well off, how come where you can find Suze Simon on a Friday night is in her apartment, not to mention all alone and crying because she can't ever learn from her mistakes?

Five years later, thousands of miles away, Paul and Jesse still haunt me and ruin my life. Damn them. They injected my body with pain and filled my mind with unforgotten memories.

I'm sure my eyes were all puffy now from all the crying that I was doing. My light pink top was stained with blotches of mascara. Time passed so slowly I was so sure that it had stopped and let me cry to my full extent. Eventually I just fell asleep on my couch.

**Well that's the first chapter, it's a bit short, it's sort of like an introduction. Please click that little button just below and review! You know you want to!**

**More soon, hopefully xxx**

**yabanabi**


	2. Chapter 2

Well Thanks to all my reviewers! I'm so happy that you all reviewed.

I love any kind of review, long or short, detailed or simple.

My internet is down at the moment, so whenever this is up, I'm really sorry for it not being there sooner. And now I just found out that FANFIC is down too! I shall lie down and die soon…

Disclaimer: Characters based on Meg Cabot's creation

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Oh how I love the smell of coffee. Coffee with my breakfast, coffee with my lunch, coffee after dinner. Coffee soothes my mind and gives me a feeling of control over my world. Hah, that might just be a little too imaginary in my case. I just love it when coffee blocks out all my random thoughts and sounds and all I can think is; I Love Coffee.

As I stood there sipping my warm coffee, all sounds and thoughts just burst through my mind. Damn.

'…and so the girls have to come out of stage left instead of right, is that ok Suze?'

'Mmm,'

'Suze? Are you listening to me? I might just as well run the show myself! Jeez!'

Elaine stormed away in fury. Elaine is my secretary, she helps my run my fashion shows, she helps me organize the files and helps pick the models. Elaine sometimes even helps me with some last minute designs I need to get in. Oh, Elaine is like my life saver.

I drained my coffee and walked around the hall making sure everything was in order for the show tonight. It looked like Elaine took care of almost everything. I guess that was what she was doing while I was crying my eyes out last night and arrived late at work with groggy, puffy eyes.

My couch was ruined too. It had runny, black mascara on it. I wonder what I'm going to do about it. Oh well, no time to think about that, the highlight of my career was going to be decided by the show tonight.

I guess I could forget about Alex. I guess I never really saw him, just like every other guy I have ever gone out with. I never saw _them_; I always saw either Jesse or Paul. Alex, just like all the guys, helped bring back such painful memories I can't even imagine…

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_It was a cold night, but I didn't feel cold at all. Jesse had his arms wrapped around me. It was the warmest I had felt in ages. After graduation, Jesse and I retreated to the beach. It was so secluded and peaceful. Nobody could find us here, especially Paul._

_I leaned my head on Jesse's chest. It was almost as if I could here his heart beat, but that was impossible. Maybe it was more like I could hear his soul humming, so full of life, except that his body wasn't._

_I finally broke the beautiful silence. I needed to ask him._

'_Jesse…' I breathed._

'_Querida, don't,'_

'_Jesse I need to know this,' I moved away from him so I could see his face. I stared into his deep pools of calm blackness._

'_What's going to happen when I move to Canada?' I really needed to know, I really needed to know that he was coming with me for sure, or if he was going to leave me to go and stay here, but that wasn't an option for me._

'_Querida, lets not talk about it just now ok? Let's enjoy the peace,'_

'_No Jesse, we _have_ to talk about it, I'm leaving next week for the pre course,'_

'_Listen Querida, I'm doing what is best for you. You need to concentrate on your future, and I'm not sure there will be a future for you with me,' He said the words so slowly, as if I was some kind of insane person that didn't understand anything._

_It was that moment that tore my life apart. My hopes, my dreams, they all meant nothing if Jesse wasn't in them. Why didn't I see this coming? I should have known that Jesse wouldn't go with me. He probably had better things to do, better places to be and better people to be with, like Jessica. No I couldn't think about her now. I wouldn't let myself do that._

_I felt the worst than I had ever felt before. Even worse than when dad died, because when dad died, I knew he would be there for me if I ever needed him. I thought Jesse would be the same, but apparently not. He just ripped my heart out and chucked it in the sand beneath us, waiting for the waves to wash it away._

_I didn't feel like caring anymore. My nose was getting tingly and my vision was getting blurry. But I just stood there like an idiot staring at Jesse, not believing what he was saying; it just all seemed so weird._

_I finally came to my right mind. I gave him a look which contained every emotion I was feeling towards him. All the anger, sadness, pain and broken love were shot towards him._

'_I'm so sorry u felt that way,'_

'_Querida, wait!'_

_It was too late. I had shifted back home. I guess all those shifting lessons from Paul actually came handy. I didn't even have a headache, but I did have heartache._

_I was so ready to crumple on the floor and weep in despair. I looked at the radio on my dresser, I had left it on but the volume was low. I had the image of the volume control moving up in my mind. The volume suddenly became much louder. Then I regretted it, because the song was not one that I wanted to hear at that moment._

"If u want to sleep I'll pull a shade

If you should vanish I'm sure to fade

If you should smolder I'll breathe in your smoke

If you should laugh I'll smile and pretend that I made the joke

And if you should ever leave me I will crumble that's just the way I am

I hope you never leave me

That is to say

If you should sink I don't want to swim

If you lock the door I'll beg to come in

If you should sing I won't make a sound

If you should fly I'll curse the ground

And if you should ever leave me I will crumble

That's just the way I am

I hope you never leave me

That is to say I will crumble

I will crumble and I will crumble

If you're an explosion I won't search for shelter

If you're the sun I'll sit here and swelter

If you're the moon I'll stay up all night

If you're a ghost I'll be haunted for life

And if you should ever leave me I will crumble that's just the way I am

I hope you never leave me that is to say I will crumble

I will crumble

And I will crumble

I will crumble

I will crumble-"

(A/N: I will crumble by Erika Christensen and Mike Vogel)

_Tears were pouring down my face now. And I had thrown my radio on the ground. Stupid radio station couldn't even pick the right songs to play at the right time. Maybe I did have a headache after all. I just wanted to curl up in my bed and cry. I just wanted to cry my soul out, to cry about the pain of love._

_When I was eventually in bed, all curled up, I realized that Jesse didn't even come for me. I felt even worse. Every time Jesse and I had disagreed, and I left, he would _always _come after me. Maybe he was with _Amanda_. Oh god how I hated her. She practically stole the life that I had managed to create here in Carmel…_

…………………………………..

The flash of the memory threatened to start my water works. I hurriedly blinked back the tears and walked over to a chair and sat down. I put my face in my hands. When did they start trembling?

I guess I could hide the memories but never forget them. I just remembered about Amanda. She was the cause of all my misery, helped out by Jesse and Paul. The three of them caused my life to go haywire.

'Here I think you need this,'

Huh? I looked up at the young handsome man standing in front of me with a hanky. I smiled up at the cute face that I saw every morning.

'Thanks,' I blew my nose on it, 'and since _when_ have u started carrying a handkerchief Richard?' I giggled softly.

'Shut up,' He gave me one of his goofy grins, 'what's wrong Suze? Guy again?'

Oh he knew me all too well, but I completely appreciated it. He was always there for me if I had a breakdown or if my emotions went out of control. Good old Richard. I was so glad I had actually found someone that I could trust and become a true friend.

'You want to tell me about it?'

'Nah, it's the same old same old. But thanks. You are awesome. I guess we should at least HELP Elaine with the preparations?' I laughed.

'I think she probably finished everything. Hah,' we both looked at Elaine shouting at one of the models'. I looked at Richard then suddenly I found myself in his warm embrace. I hugged him back.

'I promise this will all work out for you,'

'Yeah, let's hope so,' I wasn't sure if he was talking about the big show tonight or about my pitiful history of guys. I sighed into his shoulder and we just stood there for a while.

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I stared at myself in the mirror. _Hmm not so bad Suze. You may not know how to pick guys, but you can sure pick your clothes._ I sighed. My outfit may have been simple, but simplicity is beautiful to me. I wore a nice fitting pair of jeans with a tank top over it and cute while sandals. The outfit showed of my nice body and my awesome tan. It was the middle of winter but I still had a natural tan.

My hair always looks messed up in ponytails. That was the reason it was flowing down around my shoulders, but I kept my fringe out of my face using a headband.

'Knock, knock,'

'Hey! Mmm smells so good. What is it?' I looked at Richard eagerly as he came into my dressing room with a paper bag. I could even hear my stomach rumbling, I was so hungry.

'Cheese burger; want it before you go out there? Just make sure you don't puke on that lady who's making the decision,' He threw the paper bag in my direction.

I caught the bag and ate the food gratefully. After we finished eating I did my make up. I kept the make up to a minimum; I didn't want to look too dressed up. I put on my eyeliner, mascara and lip gloss then Elaine came bustling in and shoved me out the door.

'Elaine, what the…?'

'Shut up Suze, you're on. You have to make the opening speech in 1 minute exactly! Hurry!'

She kept pushing me along the corridor up to the entrance of the stage.

'Ok, Elaine, _chill_. I am the one who should be worried, but do I look like I am? I might be nervous but I'm not showing it. Just calm down Elaine!'

Elaine checked her watch again. She opened her mouth to say something but I cut her of with a wave of my hand and gave her a reassuring smile. She looked a bit stressed out; hopefully that stress would go away after the show. Her eyes darted up to the stage where the music started to come on.

I walked up the steps and suddenly I felt like my heart had jumped up to my throat, where I thought I would choke on the words I was about to say.

'Uh, hi,' _Oh great start Suze,_ 'I'm Susannah Simon and welcome to the fashion show. Hope you enjoy tonight. Well, here are Suze Simon's winter creations,'

I let out a breath and walked of the stage. Well it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Well that was what I thought before I tripped on the steps on the way down from the stage. _Damn._

Elaine caught me before I fell, face first. Richard was sniggering behind her. When he saw my murderous face he laughed even louder. He actually had to hold the wall for support. Then I cracked a smile myself; smiling at my own stupidity. Elaine just looked plain stressed. I dragged them both out of the changing room corridor and out standing with the rest of the crowd.

We just stood there watching the models walk up and down wearing the clothes I had designed. I guess I should be feeling proud, but I was nervous about the decision. I really hoped the lady in the front row liked and appreciated all the work put into these designs. Hopefully she could help my small company grow larger. I needed to make sure she was well impressed.

The show didn't take so long to finish. Or maybe I had just seen the same thing so many times. The crowd had dispersed themselves and got coffee and biscuits. I walked among them, stopping occasionally to thank the people that congratulated me. I was trying to look for that lady, I was truly getting nervous awaiting the decision.

'Excuse me,'

I turned around and saw her. She looked like some kind of strict principle of a school or something. I kept back my snigger and forced it into a smile.

'Hello, er, Mrs. Bangzer. So what did you think of the winter collection?' I held my breath.

Her strict face gave way to a huge grin, showing all her pearly whites that were way too white to be natural. Again I hid the snigger.

'Susannah. I absolutely _loved_ your clothing line and I would be honored to help give you the big name. The world deserves to see your fabulous designs,'

'Thank you. Oh my God. This is so awesome. And call me Suze, please,' I let out the breath and my heart just filled with new found joy. _Wow, it's been so long since I've felt so happy. The last time was when I was with Jes-_

'So, I think that we will start making your company big in…' She thought for a while, 'Some small town in America. Oh yes! Let us go to Carmel, California'

Did she just say what I thought she said?

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A/N: ok, so how was it?

fingers crossed

Dedicated to Andrea, Sara and Tipi who have had to put up with me and my constant weirdness D

Please review!


	3. Chapter 3

**I found a Beta! So my Chabanabam is the one who will edit all my chapters in this story so far, she's amazing at grammar so I hope this goes well.**

**This chapter is not so long, I am sorry, please forgive me. I am so sorry I took this long to update, but I really was not in the mood lately to write, but my friends all keep nagging me to update and I got another review recently so it gave me inspiration to keep writing.. EXTREMELY sorry for the wait…hope you all haven't lost interest..**

**Well enjoy!**

(Disclaimer: yeah yeah, I don't own anything… its all Meg's)

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I just stood there like a dumbass and stared at her. I couldn't go back ho- I mean back there… after all this trouble I went through to get away; I wasn't going to just go back. Ok so I missed my family, but I do speak to them and email and stuff so why do I have to go back to the place where all my troubles started? (I did really really miss mom though).

No.

I wouldn't allow myself to go back there. Sydney was much better than there. Even Adam and CeeCee had moved here right after college. Adam wanted to make CeeCee happy and she was happy here writing. In fact Cee was here doing an article on my show for my publicity, wow, she is such a good friend… Suze! Don't get distracted!

I did miss mom, and Andy's cooking, and Doc's weird comments. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad? Who was I kidding? It was going to be hell…but America is big, so you know, I might not run into them… Jeez I had to do some serious thinking.

'Er, Suze? Are you ok?' Mrs. Bangzer waved a hand in front of my face.

'Yeah, uh, sorry, just drifted off there…' I shook my confusions out of my messed up head.

'Ah, I see you are already visualizing your successful future,' she had a glossy look in her eye as she made a hand motion in front of us as if she was flattening out a map.

'Uh yeah, of course I am. So, um, we're going back to Carmel,'

'Oh so you've been to Carmel have you? It's a wonderful place is it not? I just love the beaches and houses, don't you?'

'Yeah, Carmel is just the greatest,' I gave her a fake smile, hopefully she didn't see past that to the hectic chaos in my head screaming that I should not go back.

'What's this I hear about Carmel?' Oh thank GOD. CeeCee came to my rescue, she stuck out her hand, 'Oh, sorry to be rude, my name is CeeCee Webb,'

'Hey Cee, this is Mrs. Bangzer,' I could tell by the delicate shade of pink that started to grow on her pale face that she was trying her hardest to conceal her laugh. She just smiled politely.

'Nice to meet you Ms. Webb,' she shook hands with CeeCee and continued to talk to me as if nothing had just interrupted us.

Cee had on a look of surprise and irritation, because Mrs. Bangzer had completely ignored her.

'So, what do you say? Are you going to come along and make yourself the biggest hit in America as well?' Her eyes gleamed big and shiny, like two big coins. I was pretty sure that's what she was in for anyway; the money. Everybody nowadays is in for the money, no one does anything from the goodness of their heart anymore…

I gave her a smile, 'Oh what the hell lets give it a try,'

Had I just made a mistake or what? Should I have backed out while I had the chance? I could have just gotten mom and Andy to come over here if I missed them so much, I really didn't have to go all the way back there…

But was I to say all this? Why should I let mom sacrifice her job just for me? I mean, I did miss the beaches, I missed the old high school, I missed my room, where I would constantly daydream about Jes-

Ok, let me_ END_ that thought.

'How long do you think we will be in Carmel?'

'Oh I should say, as long as we possibly can I suppose,' she gave me one of her huge fake grins again.

Just great. As long as I could in freaking Carmel. I was bound to run into one of THEM. This is just _GREAT._

'Hmm, well help yourself to one of the snacks,' I showed her off to the cake table, then turned back to face CeeCee.

'Whoa what the hell? Who does she think she is huh?' CeeCee's face was flushed, her narrowed eyes shone violently violet beneath her glasses.

'Hey Cee, chill, ok? She's not that good with communication I guess, and well, you know how these kinds of people are, they don't like reporters,'

'What?? What does she have against reporters huh??' her eyes bulged.

'Umm, Cee, you DID realize not everybody likes reporters, right?'

'Well, yeah, ok so I don't like HER, specifically, can you blame me? Oh whatever, who care about some person like her? So are you going back?'

'I guess I have to don't I? I really want my business to boom, but why the hell in Carmel? And I don't want to go without you!' It was true, I really didn't want to leave without CeeCee and Adam, they were my best friends and without them I would be hollow.

'Oh Suze you must be crazy if you think I'm going to leave you alone with that COW,' she threw a disgruntled glance at Mrs. Bangzer. 'Besides, it would be nice to be back home for a while, I can always find a job there no problem,'

'Oh man are you serious Cee?? We're going back to Carmel? YES!' Adam had suddenly come up behind CeeCee and nearly toppled her over by jumping on her back.

'ADAM!! BE CIVILISED DAMMIT! THIS IS SUZE'S FORMAL OCCASION!'

'Whoa, ok then,' he rolled his eyes behind her back, and I was practically pissing myself laughing at Adam's stupidity. He never fails to crack me up. I really need him when I'm back in Carmel.

'So Suze, we're going back to Carmel eh?' he gave me a wink, 'back to _you-know-who_,' CeeCee gave him a hard elbow in his stomach.

'OW! WHAT THE-'

'Oh Adam, shut up!'

I ignored them and walked away from their squabbles and went to search for Elaine and Richard to tell them the good news. I ran backstage where I found them both awaiting the decision.

Elaine stood up so fast, the chair she was sitting on fell over. Richard casually picked up the chair and looked cool and calm, but I knew him well. I could tell by his grey eyes that he was as nervous as Elaine. He just tried to calm himself by chewing a piece of gum. Elaine ran up to me and shook me by my shoulders.

'Suze! Oh my god, what happened? Did you talk to her? I wonder what she looked like. What did she say? Does she like the designs? What about-'

'Elaine, calm down. It's good news,' I put on my biggest smile I could manage at that point. 'She loved the collection,'

'Oh thank god,' Elaine's face washed over with relief. She sat back down on her chair and put her head in her hands.

'What?! You didn't believe in Suze?' Richard gasped mockingly. 'Great job babe,' He came over and gave me a hug, and lifted me momentarily off the ground.

'Ah! I really couldn't have done this without either of you! So you want to know where we're headed?'

'Headed?' Richard cocked an eyebrow. 'What are you talking about? You mean we're leaving Sydney?' This got Elaine to look up, all emotion cleared from her pale face.

'Um, yeah, we're going to Carmel, in America,'

'No way!' Richard gave me a huge grin and hugged me again, but this time he lifted me off the ground and swung me around. 'Wow that's awesome! Isn't that where you came from anyway?'

'Uh yea, well…'

I kept my thoughts to myself and just let them enjoy the moment. The foreboding sense of arriving in Carmel swelled inside me, but I kept my smile on for them nonetheless.

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Well… That's all for now, please review…will get the next chapter up ASAP!


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